Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Re: compelled to write learned nonsense...

Dear Nyongesa,
I have accepted the honor to officiate you holy matrimony with the British woman. Tell Muita to keep those traditional ceremonies to himself because we dont want folks who sniff tobacco to be in that wedding. This will be a Christian ceremony, even the kissing will be french and so both tongues will touch each other.
 
I was only trying to help you on Mugithi should you visit a Mugithi night. I would expect you help me with a Mulembe night.
 
I would advise you to keep that British woman off those Mugithi nights. First even if you like her to grab your spear and the two eggs, you will be happy to grab the woman ahead of you her ninio or just those KCCs (hoping you are unlucky to be behind a cucu in which case you will not enjoy the grab but it will be easy one since they will dangling all the way to the fall since when she stands the tits can touch her knees). On the other hand, a Mheshimiwa or Muita behind your British sweetheart will legally touch her ninio. She or you cant complain because this is a cultural activity.
 
You need to go alone so that you can touch and be touched in return. But since you are handsome, be extra careful with gay fellows like Chege looking for tricks to stand behind you or ahead of them hoping that they touch you or you touch. Keep razor blades in your pocket just incase the lady behind you left for bathroom and a hyena sneaked those dirty hands into you past your zippper. Razor blades because you can cut their fingers and in court claim that the razors were located around the spear to protect it from intruders. You can get away with the razor blades counter attacks and so dont use a knife tafadhali. Only a woman can touch you and you can only touch a woman.
 
But be careful with some women especially those working in the construction industry kazi ya mjengo. Some have hands worse than crocodile skins and so you will be forgiven to cry like a baby if such a woman held you spear with those alligator hands. During those Mugithi nights, it is okay for a woman to unzip yours and get hold of the spear directly and then do things with the mkuki. If those alligators get hold of it, utalia. You can easily tell the alligators by looking at their faces. If it rough and not good looking, chances are very high for her to have alligator hands. Greet her to feel her hands in order to decide whether you want those hands hold the mkuki. Most of those alligators have hands so big that they will grab both the spear and the two eggs and then squeeze them so hard that you need to take the three neighbors to a physical therapist. Some good hands can make you get addicted to Mugithi.
 
Kuria
 
 
On Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 6:32 AM, joseph nyongesa <situmanyongesa@gmail.com> wrote:
Yes, I definately cannot have Papa before and "the other one" behind...that is the stuff that nightmares are composed of. either way you say all men are equal so much so that when the one man "commands" everyone to touch what they dont have, I see that I will miss out on the happiness...and we know why. That granted, I must however quickly protest that I stand out from the crowd-some advert says from the clutter. So I am more equal than other men. I therefore only accept this equality thing just for the sake of argument...and only on this thread.
Now that you refuse to help with the longer essays - You must be very sharp. After all why should you do that while Maurice is there anyway. Surely it is not our lot to misuse human resource.
Since you have an edge kwa mambo ya kiroho, I propose that you then join me and my lady of all poesy in holy matrimony. I must repeat, in holy matrimony not unholy matrimony. And make sure you dont forget that part of "the groom- not broom can now kiss the mbride". And know that in the kissing I will take something like five minutes. I want my kissing to be funzo kwa wengine on the art of kissing and thereby motivate them by my good example.
I know you are a busy person that is why I am reminding you this in good faith. Should you forget, dont worry, I myself still will remember.
I am appointing you to the role because come this thursday, me and my lady of all poesy are flying to my other home in Kampala- or champala, to be precise mbale so that my other family may see that I have eyes with which I see with. I will not ask for their opinion and I will not buy that vibe of ati our son is "lost". Lost kitu gani. Neither am i going to seek their permission....I just want them to see that I am doing well.
I will then quickly come back and you will join us-as quickly as possible. I have waited for goodness for sometime now, my limb has been so lonely. The wedding ceremony will or may happen at ToGo church while the marriage will initially take place at the coast.
Only "broad minded" guests are invited. Members on the list to heaven are most welcome. It is then that I will contemplate handing my crown... I said contemplate, not hand over...
cheers.
 
 
 
On Mon, Jul 26, 2010 at 7:46 PM, Kuria-Mwangi <kjmwangi@gmail.com> wrote:
Dear Nyongesa,
I hope you are now not confusing me with Maurice. I only offered to pray for you to write longer essays and Maurice offered to write the longer essays. But that does not make Maurice's goodness better than my goodness since he has all I have except the spiritual prowess. All men are equal.

Now I cannot be equal to your British goddess because i dont have what she has. Have you ever attended those Mugithi nights? It is a real Mugithi because you dance while bending so that you hold on the one infront of you at the groin (kiuno) and below while the one behind you hold the same place. Now the most stupid thing you want to do is get a Papa Likondi in front of and a Muita Wangoko behind you. Hell No! Keep anybody with three legs or a beard. You make sure that behind you is a woman and in front of you is another woman unless you are gay and so you want a man behind you and in front of you. This is how it works.

You form a train (Mugithi) and you move from one place to another holding one another. The one man guitar occassionally shouts, "mundu anyite kiria atari" (every person to hold what they dont have). Now that is why I demand you keep off tuk tuks in mugithi because they have what you have. The lady behind you immediately grabs your balls or your spear and so it is time for you to grab ninio of the lady ahead of you and the beat (read Mugithi) goes on.

Mugithi is close to the dance below we held at Safari Village recently (http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/album.php?aid=150798&id=87037632720&page=2).

You can see we also have fun hapa ulaya and the women are eveready).






On Mon, Jul 26, 2010 at 8:06 AM, joseph nyongesa <situmanyongesa@gmail.com> wrote:
Ah Kuria indeed you are the Bishop. This world would be useless without you and I dare say only you has "pure goodness"- of course your goddess is next to my british goddess, I cannot confuse entities when it comes to goodness lest some fellow sambazas this mail to my mrembo. Upon which I will have problems trying to explain who oozes most goodness, herself or Askofu. Have you noticed how Mheshimiwa went silent when he "realized" that his mrembo was on the forum? That is a serious matter which started as a joke.
Yes I will forward those essays to you and will doctor them accordingly. Upon which you will forward them back to me so that I may edit them "hither and thither". And having fine tuned them, I will finally hand them to the Prof.
I am happy that you also have some background in theology-that is,you have an idea about the things of heaven and how not to go there, that is how to avoid heaven. Its hard work trying to avoid heaven you know.
Cheers. 

On Sun, Jul 25, 2010 at 6:09 PM, <mauricejoduor@yahoo.ca> wrote:
Nyongesa,

I'll offer you my Pro Bono (free) services. If you are given an essay to write and you've written your brief submission which you think addresses the Prof's requirements, just forward it to me and tell me how many more pages the Prof needs. I can even add another 50.

The reason I write my postings briefly is that I am overcompensating for for my verbosity. When I was in school and the Prof said we could only write up to 5 pages on something, I was the one complaining that we should be allowed an extra 3 pages. That got me quite unpopular at times.

You are welcome to consult with this Great Son of Ugenya before submitting your assignments. I'll actually like the idea.

Courage

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

From: joseph nyongesa <situmanyongesa@gmail.com>
Date: Sat, 24 Jul 2010 18:54:55 +0300
Subject: compelled to write learned nonsense...

Here is a tale of how I was compelled to write nonsense learnedly. It is a thing anyone would do, has done or will do. I Was required to come up with an essay of fifteen pages and my words got finished by page eight?

I tried to tell Prof that my words are finished and I seem to have chewed a mind block. That besides, I generally don't beat around the bush but go right through it and hence the briefness of my paper. That even my friends agree that I express in a paragraph what they would require pages to. That in matters of briefness mimi ndio champion.
The idiot of the Prof. would have none of it. Thus I was compelled to "cook" eight pages into fifteen pages. The moral of this tale is that Lecturers  have no morals because they compel students to "cook". This cooking issues in learned nonsense.... 

My

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