What did say Mr. Onang'o did in a mathree? I have given Wams a copy of this piece because I have never seen a teacher exposed like this in my life. One would have expected you to talk maendeleo instead of mudslinging your teacher. Uko na upuzi mingi mpaka people will think you smoke that stuff I lied that you do in the forest. Now this is a class one and only close to Mr. Njoka's, a Embu teacher in my primary school who used to tell girls to do frog jump (kuruga rimwe, kuruga keri na kunyita giti). He meant you jump once, you jump twice and then hold your waist. Unfortunately Mr. Njoka came from Embu or Mbeere where the name for waist is giti but from my home area, that is the name for the birth canal. So the girls would hold the birth canal instead of holding the waist. This beside the point and irrelevant. We are talking farts.
Mr. Njoka also taught science and wore tight trousers like the ones worn by gay men who act like the wife. Most them had strings hanging at the side of the butt, some coming out as if they were emanating from the fax (the shit canal).
One days Mr. Njoka was coping works from science book to the board for us to copy. He was very fat and it was said that at the end of the month, he bought One kilogram and a half of meat for his family. Half for the wife and the four children and the one kilo for himself. Somebody reported hearing him tell them, "tondu ni ninii menyaga haria ciumaga" (I am the one who knows where the money for meat comes from).
Mr. Njoka was like the deputy Headmaster of Kagumo High School who was described by my good friend Kuria JMM sometimes back. Fat and used to run a matatu and would buy meat. A kilo and a half every day. Half for the kids and their mother and the kilo for the deputy HM since he was the one who knew where the money for meat came from. The Deputy HM would tell his children and wife: "Kinuthu ni kianyu, gakiro na gwakwa" (Kinusu ni kienu, kakilo ni kangu). The configuration of the word made it look as if the half kilogram was bigger than the one kilogram. He would get the lions share and tell them "tutu tuirio ni twakwa, irio iria ni cianyu' (haka kachakula ni kangu, ile chakula ni yenu).
Mr. Njoka was busy copying the works from book, word for word when the only piece of chalk fell on the floor as we listen and watched him copying works. He tried bending to pick up the piece of chalk. Like the curtains which were cut into pieces after Jesus' death and with the thunderstorm and earthquake accompanying the death of our savior, Mr. Njoka's trousers got torn into two pieces, right across the valley of his arse. It was so massively torn that the whole butt was exposed. He either forgot to wear underwear or they were also torn because 95% of his arse was exposed to the classroom. Students have never laughed like that. It was a few minutes after lunch and he must have had a share of his lunch the destruction of his trousers was accompanied by the loudest fart. Isitoshe, he tried getting up but was transfixed, hands holding the floor, arse in the air with torn trousers and exposed mukundu. Some students claimed the show the hole of a but who cares. The family shame was already exposed. He could not get up nor could he sit down on the floor of the classroom, atleast to hide the arse. He was just there, breathing like a rhino and unable to move, wake up, sit or sleep. He released another fart and several aftershocks. It was an earthquake which a seismograph would have registered over 7 on the Richter Scale.
Now what brought more shame was the time when the fart stench reached us. Students stopped laughing and took off holding their noses, girls ululating (not urinating) and boys shouting "Mr. Njoka niatuthuriria. Kirathi kiranunga ta kioro anga nita amia" (Mr. Njoka amenyamba. Class inanuka kama choo/mavi. Nika hata amekunia kwa class). Nobody knows how he got up because no one was in class by the time he got up, class still smelling the teachers fart. He walked home from the classroom, holding a book at the back, to hide the already exposed butt.
If this is not shame, what is shame?
More shame from Mr. Njoka? He was the PE teacher. He would come to school with shorts for PE. One day he sat on a bench near the place where students ate their lunch munching his githeri. Unknown to him, his testicles flew out and were flowing on bench. Students came to know of it and busy doing the guard of honor infront of Mr. Njoka. Girls watching the shame of the family again.
So dont laugh at Mr. Onang'o Ogolla, cry for Mr. Njoka too.
Kuria
On Wed, Jul 21, 2010 at 3:25 PM, Henry Gichaba <gichabamob@hotmail.com> wrote:
Dear Brother-in-law,
It reminds me of the day I was traveling from Kisii Town to a place called Nyamagwa Boys where I was a teacher. Like bags, we were packed in a matatu named Mutungi. Midway the rough terrain, the waves of a gray storm flashed across the Nyachae Country. A chandarua was put over the Toyota pick up matatu and we were buried in some grave, our backs bending.
Sasa wewe unaonekana you still've a lot of ujinga in your head. Sasa hii ni nini? You wrote:
". I have travelled in a Grey Hound Bus, bigger than any Eldoret express and a white woman farted. Opening the windows was not enough and it was worse than those farts from the poor kids from poor families in the villages who sent classmates to the nearest dispensary because it affected your lungs."
We were bending such that the rear mudguard system of those of us standing was the resting place for the head of the person standing behind us .... then there was a viscious bomb blast in the vehicle. A man from Lake Lolwe released the stingiest of all ammonium gases into the prison dingy hole in which we were enclosed. His name was Onang'o Ogolla, himself a physics teacher in the school.
A woman whose head was resting on the teacher's butt shouted, "Gaki omwarimu oyo inkieke agokora."
Kumbavu Bwana Onan'go werever you are!
He had eaten obosontoto bw'ensue (the chyme of a fish - really fres fis).To: mlalahoi@googlegroups.com
Gichaba, somewhere in the forests of North Carolina.
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From: kjmwangi@gmail.com
Date: Wed, 21 Jul 2010 14:31:12 -0400
Subject: Re: [Mwananchi] Re: [KOL] RE: We Can't Ignore Harry on Jesus, Biblical Interpretation!
Millie,As you have noted by now, I have had a very exciting past and I feel privilaged to share it with you and others. Some people see it as an evil past but I thank God for it because I dont think it was a boring life which would make one want to quit. As HG, Zige and others have suggested, we will soon put all these nonsense in a book for more people to read because I think we need to share them and there was a reason that God let me witness all these episodes. It was a learning experience and I doubt he is done with me. Did you ever read the memoirs? They now come in bits and dont know why I no longer receive full length revelations. This Kalenjin fellow mentioned below is just a tip of the iceberg. If you want me repost the memoirs as I wait for the revelations to take place, let me know. We have stuff on Maurice's former MP on the day the Bishopp's car went on fire in KU (Bishop's square came from this episode), about the Kamba fellow who had a mzungu girlfriend and after she ate ill cooked ugali she went to the bathroom in his bed, No. 2 and the fellow was crying like a baby as he went to the dean of students demanding the USA Embassy be forced to compensate him for psychological torture, bedsheets messed by the united states shit and for the untollerable living conditions in his room due to the feces. Some people think white people dont fart or do those things but some of them are worse than Africans. I have travelled in a Grey Hound Bus, bigger than any Eldoret express and a white woman farted. Opening the windows was not enough and it was worse than those farts from the poor kids from poor families in the villages who sent classmates to the nearest dispensary because it affected your lungs. We knew it was the white woman because she let it go and then said, "my bad", as if she had not realeased a weapon of mass destruction. The bus was stopped and we went out to get fresh air, some folks demanding that weapons of mass destruction be investigated. I now only travel by air but wonder what would happen should another white person do a worse fart than the one released by the old white woman on that bus bound for Upstate New York from New jersey. Circa 1998 July. It was a hot summer day. A saba saba.KuriaOn Wed, Jul 21, 2010 at 3:25 AM, <modhiambos@yahoo.com> wrote:
Your stories!!!!Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Zain Kenya
From: Kuria-Mwangi <kjmwangi@gmail.com>Sender: mlalahoi@googlegroups.comDate: Tue, 20 Jul 2010 20:28:10 -0400ReplyTo: mlalahoi@googlegroups.comCc: Mlalahoi<mlalahoi@googlegroups.com>; <mwananchi@yahoogroups.com>; SIASA<siasa-kenya@yahoogroups.com>; Kassdiaspora Debate<kassdiaspora@yahoogroups.com>; Kenya Forum<youngprofessionals_ke@googlegroups.com>; <africa-oped@yahoogroups.com>Subject: Re: [Mwananchi] Re: [KOL] RE: We Can't Ignore Harry on Jesus, Biblical Interpretation!Dear brother-in-law,
I agree. I talked too much, about bangi smoking and chang'aa drinking. That is information which we should have kept secret but was afraid that an enemy will come and talk about these things and so decided to do preemptive attack employed by Obama, Clinton and Bush when they revealed their evil past. Obama knew that an enemy of Kenya would reveal that he smoked bangi in high school and university and so told the world of the good old days of the joint. Clinton before him had mentioned his love for joint days gone while Bush talked about his problem with alcohol which actually helped Kibaki's bid for the presidency in 2002 (if another alcoholic can become the president of the most powerful nation, what about me?). Yes if bangi messes with your brain, why did Clinton and Obama become the president of the most powerful nation on the face of the earth?.
Ndugu, the issue is moderation.
Lets not talk about those days in KU because we dont want innocent collections named, the collections who spent the boom with us and only left about it was gone.
There were very few folks getting first class honors from the CU or CA wing of the University. It was the chang'aa drinkers who shocked the world and had their names read first because they got 1st class honors. I have the reasons why this was the case.
A chang'aa drinker probably spent less time getting drunk than the CU fellow who spent all night on Kesha praying to God to help him pass the exams. The chang'aa drinker clock (biological/brain one) got messed up and so the insomnia got him reading all night or after he woke up. He didnt depend on the Holy Spirit to pass the exams. He knew the devil would not help him either and so studied whenever he was sober. The CU fellow relied on the Holy Spirits to pass the exams and forgot that prayers without action are useless. You dont pray to God for a wife and spend the rest of the time in the room waiting for her to be delivered. You hit the road with the heathen looking for one. Same for exams. The Holy Spirit can only do so much. You pray for 5 minutes and then hit the library and not all night and then the following day you hit the bed instead of the library. The chang'aa fellow wakes up and hits the library till when he gets tired and returned to KM1.
The best student, may be among the best in my year was a double maths Kalenjin fellow known in KU as the top best chang'aa drinker aka wombler. He drunk everyday. Who can ever forget him in that second half 80s yet he lived in Mfumbiro and was known to sing Kalenjin circumcision songs all night. He can forget the fellow who was married to a KM1 prostitute who ate with us and took shower with us almost every day of the night. You met the prostitute walking naked if woke up at six to seven hour. She brought her tiny son to the university, the boy students want to kill because he cried all night when everybody including the step father who was drunk most of the time was trying to catch the sleep or study for the exams. Only the fellow and another wombler from Kabete were married to collections (prostitutes). The Kabete wombler had the prostitute with a son also young and who also woke up at night crying for nyonyo (breast milk) which was also feeding the wombler and so we had a man and half fighting for the same nyonyo, one drunk and the other underfed. The two kids made the place look like hell on earth.
The double maths fellow is the one whose collection of that day (not the wife) took off with all his boom. Then some Ksh 5,000 and good money. He went to pee and the prostitute got the money and left. The fellow too drunk to know that the prostitute was gone with the money and when he found out that it was gone, he cried and then opened a brand new doom insecticide which he drunk that day. He was half dead when he was taken to hospital. People claimed he tried going to State House to ask Moi for a harambee to recoup the lost boom. That was the boom power. The fellow later clocked first class honors.
Kuria
On Tue, Jul 20, 2010 at 4:11 PM, Henry Gichaba <gichabamob@hotmail.com> wrote:
Dear brother-in-law,
With all this information, you're eroding the impeccable respect I command on these cyber spaces. Your sister, the Princess, may be the last to accept any further exposure of her husband's dirty past. Now why do we've to expose each others dirty past? Well, I know you are aware that before I met your sister, I was always on Ngong's frustration stone. Do we really have to go back 20 years and unbury those old skeletons? NO.
I need you to tell Okiya and Sungu and the other rats about only the better things - like in spite of too much chang'aa and bhangi in KM1, I still obtained a First Class Honours - You should never tell them that I vomited badly during my Graduation Parade- Fisi kabisa wewe. Just tell them that these days your brother-in-law has children by your very own sister. Tell them that your sister reports I'm the best husband.
In fact, I never understand the reason you tell readers that I still smoke joint and that's the reason I live in the forests of North Carolina. Just some information that I'm Kenya's latter-day Shakespeare is good enough. Let's promote each other -
You see, even when Barack Obama was a bhangi smoker somewhere in college, he still became the President. Now, if you find it even more adequate to remember, Bill Clinton was also a joint smoker; G.W. Bush, an alcoholic (best suited for my psychological services) and Kibaki drinks chang'aa as he is playing golf.
Can't your Murang'aism understand that chang'aa and bhangi is what makes people smarter? Why do you think those saved Christians never obtained First Class degrees in Kenyan universities?
Brother-in-law, instead of busying yourself on exposing my past, please join me in sending foreigners like Okiya Omtatah back to Uganda.
Your brother-in-law.
To: kenyaonline@yahoogroups.com
CC: mlalahoi@googlegroups.com; mwananchi@yahoogroups.com; siasa-kenya@yahoogroups.com; kassdiaspora@yahoogroups.com; youngprofessionals_ke@googlegroups.com; africa-oped@yahoogroups.com
From: kjmwangi@gmail.com
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 2010 11:01:30 -0400
Subject: Re: [Mwananchi] Re: [KOL] RE: We Can't Ignore Harry on Jesus, Biblical Interpretation!
Dear brother in law,I only studied african traditional religion and so i will comment when we start talking Mungiki. I will wait for Prince Omtatah to comment on that unless Reuben Kigame comments first.Did you ever meet Reuben in KU. He was either my yearmate or was ahead of me by one year. We meet in CU although I was known to attend the meeting when they had those coffee houses at Harambee theater. I have a collection of his music, some coming to me through his
good friend who is also my buddy, Dr. Fulbert Namwamba aka Papa F.I know you know very little of CU because as we prayed at the chapel, you were busy drinking machozi ya simba at KM1. I know most of the woblers because they shouted most and did best in exams. One would drink silly and then starting singing outside the library as studied for the exams, 'watoto someni". The wombler would come top of the class even after studying not.The other womblers were good at the Rugby tournaments. They had good tunes for the women and they loved to sing "msichana umesoma hata masters ukaenda lakini kwanini hujapata bwana?".On Tue, Jul 20, 2010 at 10:25 AM, Henry Gichaba <gichabamob@hotmail.com> wrote:
Ok, brother-in-law. Now talk about Lilith, Adam's second wife.
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 2010 10:12:37 -0400
Subject: Re: [Mwananchi] Re: [KOL] RE: We Can't Ignore Harry on Jesus, Biblical Interpretation!
From: kjmwangi@gmail.com
To: kenyaonline@yahoogroups.com
CC: mwananchi@yahoogroups.com; mlalahoi@googlegroups.com; siasa-kenya@yahoogroups.com; kassdiaspora@yahoogroups.com; youngprofessionals_ke@googlegroups.com; africa-oped@yahoogroups.com
Brother in law,Lets focus on the academic discourse tuache ujinga, Prof. Jude Ongonga was the chairperson of the Dept for a long time. Kihara wa Ndirangu was Rev. and so dont know about his bangi smoking sprees in Kandara but it is true he did very little preaching. Ongonga was good in theology like most of those former Catholic trained profs. Yes, I did see lots of those folks in the works. You are lucky you didnt write much of that siasa during the Mwakenya era otherwise you will be testicleless as we talk.No address the theological issues raised wacha mambo ya bangi.KuriaOn Tue, Jul 20, 2010 at 9:44 AM, Henry Gichaba <gichabamob@hotmail.com> wrote:
Brother-in-law,
Wacha ujinga ya Dr. Kihara Ndirangu - that Mungiki founder with a long hair. The only person I knew and regarded well was Dr. Jude Julius Ong'onga. Did you catch him as Dr. Ogongo in "I Apologize." Fisi ya Kofa wewe! Mungiki hii!
I know Dr. Kihara was a bhangi (enyasore) farmer in Kandara. That's where he took his PRS students for practicals. I know that you were the Chairman of the PRS Bhangi Smokers Association. And so with a Ph.D. in Bhangi smoking, I gather that you may not believe in the very true accounts of Gikuyu and Mumbi.
Dr. Kihara Ndirangu wewe! Bhangi smoker wewe! Dr. Otieno Jowi wewe!
Your non-bhangi smoking brother-in-law.
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From: kjmwangi@gmail.com
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 2010 09:26:25 -0400
Subject: [Mwananchi] Re: [KOL] RE: We Can't Ignore Harry on Jesus, Biblical Interpretation!
Dear Prince,
You are quoting myths and myths are supposed to be that, just myths. Those few chapters of the good book have no support from archeological or other support unlike the rest of the Bible which can be supported by sources such as the archeology. They are as good as the stories of Abunuwasi na kiatu yake. No better than the nonsense spewed by Agikuyu about a man called Gikuyu and Mumbi who were created by a god (not God) who resided atop Kirinyaga, then the fellow sired 9-10 daughters and out of nowhere came some men who sired our forefathers. Only fools would believe in such nonsense.
However, the myths may hold some truths and are usually composed of half truths, half nonsense or kaquater nonsense and 3/4 truths. As in the story of Gikuyu and Mumbi, we came to know that one such man lived and was just a defecto leader of the Kikuyu migrants from Meruland who fell in love with a beauty who loved to make pots (mumbi) and she fell in love with him because he was a quiet fellow who loved to spend time resting at a Mukuyu tree and so his name Gikuyu. The myths becomes murky when they settled in my location and had to conceive lies to unite the groups composed of various backgrounds.
Why am I talking about the gikuyu yet our talk is about Jews? Because each community has it's own myths and we should forget about the Jews origin myths. They are just stories, half truths, half nonsense and you just talked about one of the nonsenses. All those nonsense about the snake talking to Eve and then her seducing Adam. When did snakes stop talking? Why would they be talking about being naked all over sudden yet the issue was about stealing fruits? Why is God now talking about a woman having difficulties in child birth yet the issue was about apples and oranges? How come only human being go to hospital to give birth yet other animals give birth and behave as if they did nothing?
Each community has some nasty myths. One I learned about in KU when studying ATR was a tribe explaining why women have to be circumcised. Some extremely stupid explanation. That a woman was lying naked facing the sky. God (should be with small g?) looked at her goods and got aroused. He could not take it anymore and so came from heaven (sounded to me like the devil) rushing and with an erection and tried to have sex with the naked woman. The clitoris made it difficult for god to have sex with her and so demanded that from then on, all women had to be circumcised. I have never heard of such stupidity from African. Accusing god of rape to just give explanation for why FGM had to be done. That was a thoughtless explanation and a stupid one too. I am forgetting the name of the tribe. I will look for Dr. Kiharu Ndirangu who taught about that nonsense. Now lets talk about non myths stuff and forget the nonsense about Adam and Eve being misread by a snake unless they were referring to Adam's Omieri.
Kuria
On Tue, Jul 20, 2010 at 8:52 AM, Henry Gichaba <gichabamob@hotmail.com> wrote:
To: mlalahoi@googlegroups.com
Christians and Biblical Scholars,
Please help us understand the Biblical accounts of creation in Genesis 1 (first Creation story) and Genesis 2 (second Creation story). In the first story, God creates man and woman at the same time. In the second story, God spells a deep sleep into Adam and when he (Adam) is asleep, God breaks one of his ribs and creates a helper for Adam.
Which of the two accounts of creation is true? Why do the two accounts differ even when they are written by the same author, Moses, and inspired by the same spirit?
Without ignoring Harry, please help us explain if Christians/humanity should follow the lifestyle and teachings of Jesus Christ.
Note: Do not rush to answer these questions or clothe them in blanket rigmaroles, you are in a zone where reason and debate must override value judgment.
Mobi Gichaba, somewhere in the forests of North Carolina.
Date: Mon, 19 Jul 2010 14:24:37 -0700
From: diplomat1499@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: *** The Truth : You don't need JESUS in your LIFE -----
Our friend Harry has a burning desire to understand the word of God and one day, si maajabu atakuwa muhubiri ajabu. God will transform your heart and thinking ndugu yangu.
Joseph Lister Nyaringo - New Jersey USA
To: mlalahoi@googlegroups.com
From: s_akelola@yahoo.co.uk <s_akelola@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: Re: *** The Truth : You don't need JESUS in your LIFE -----
Date: Monday, July 19, 2010, 4:41 AM
Date: Monday, 19 July, 2010, 7:40
This is to the Christian Republic,It has become increasingly clear to me, over the years, that the message of Jesus Christ, the Gospel of Christ, the teachings of Jesus Christ as the savior of humanity, the teachings that you need him in your life has no basis. I have examined this life folks, over the few years i have lived and there is nothing fundamental can be attributed to someone accepting Jesus as his personal savior.Let us begin by generally accepting some fundamentals about this life. It is full of challenges. Problems even. Some are within you control and some are outside your control. Some are both. Sickness, for example can be within or outside your control. A road accident may be outside your control. A divorce could be both. Getting a job could be out of your control, or within ....Lets also accept that everyone can get what he wants in life....everyone can be successful, a failure, in all spheres of life, and this could also be within his control or outside his control.The message of accepting Jesus has always bordered on the fact that by doing so, you improve your lifestyle, you generally become a better person, you relate to others well, you become generous, forgiving, loving, caring, you treat your wife and husband better, just like Jesus taught. By accepting Jesus into your life, eventually your life will be better and better. You will fall sick less, and if you do you will heal faster. And because you pray and fast often, misfortunes will not come your way as much as they do for the heathens.But is this true?The lives of people who accept Jesus are no better than the lives of the other human beings. Not on this earth at least. The problem is that when you accept Jesus, you start imagining your life is being managed by someone else and so you attribute everything to him. This is the worst DOGMA of ALL TIME. I have seen the so called Children of God getting just as messed up as the rest of the flock. When it comes to happiness, the only parameter for happiness is not Jesus. I have seen very unhappy Christians, saved ones, jobless ones, sick ones, and very prayerful ones. I have also seen very happy atheists. Healthy ones. Wealthy ones. With happy marriages. And very generous, very accommodating. Very reasonable. And they live by the generally acceptable principles of life like honesty, kindness, integrity, hard work etc.You do not need Jesus, just live well, appreciate nature, be kind and honest, and take everything in stride. ALL SHALL BE WELL Goddammit!!--
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